Parenting teenagers can sometimes feel like navigating shifting ground. One moment they appear mature and capable, the next they retreat into silence or distraction. These years can be challenging, but they are also the years when your children most need you to combine warmth with firmness — what we call tender accountability.
Tender accountability means setting limits with love. It is the practice of saying, “I care about you too much to let this go,” and following through with boundaries that are not arbitrary, but rooted in your child’s wellbeing. Authority here is not about control; it is about influence — the kind that grows out of time spent together, consistent guidance, and honest communication.
Loving your child means loving who they are today, but also loving the person they could become. Teenagers do not always recognise what is good for them, and sometimes wellbeing has to be done to them, not just for them. This process will not always bring short-term gratitude. What they think they want and what you know they need can be very different. They may want to play on their phone instead of reading a book, and may even seem very grateful to you in the short term, but when they are 25 and haven’t graduated high school and moved out, nobody is going to enjoy that, perhaps least of all you!
Tender accountability is about teaching teenagers what adulthood really requires: that strength is not about avoiding limits, but about living with responsibility; that growing up brings both freedoms and burdens, and that doing this work well matters — for their own future and for the communities they will belong to.
Rules on their own can feel harsh; relationships on their own can leave young people adrift. The balance of both provides structure, safety, and love. There is no handbook for parenting, and it is not my place, nor my intent, to lecture anyone on that subject. But if you would like to explore how to help your teenager build resilience, self-esteem, and a strong set of values, that is a conversation we would love to support you in having.
Parents’ Toolkit: Practicing Tender Accountability
There is no perfect formula for parenting, and no two teenagers are the same. What matters is finding a balance between care and consistency that prepares them for adulthood. The ideas below are not rules, but tools — gentle reminders to help you practice tender accountability in a way that feels both loving and firm.
1. Love the future adult as much as the present child. Your teenager may not always thank you now for boundaries, but limits today
will shape the person they become tomorrow. Hold onto the long view, even when the short-term feels uncomfortable.
will shape the person they become tomorrow. Hold onto the long view, even when the short-term feels uncomfortable.
2. Explain the “why.” When rules are rooted in care, explain the reasoning behind them. (“Screens off at 10pm helps your brain rest so you’re ready for tomorrow.”) Understanding builds trust, even if there is resistance.
3. Be consistent, but not rigid. Limits mean little without follow-through, but flexibility at the right time teaches fairness. Adjust when circumstances genuinely call for it — and let them see that you can balance firmness with compassion.
4. Model responsibility. Teenagers notice when words and actions don’t align. Show them what accountability looks like: meet your commitments, speak respectfully, and own your mistakes. They will learn far more from what you do than what you say.
5. Balance correction with connection. Accountability without relationship can feel cold; connection without accountability can leave young people uncertain. Invest in time together, laughter, and listening — then, when limits are needed, they come from a foundation of trust.
6. Remember that wellbeing is sometimes a discipline. Just as they cannot thrive on a diet of sugar, they cannot thrive on endless short-term pleasures. Setting limits on screens, sleep, or effort is not taking away joy; it is teaching them how to live well.
Parenting through the teenage years is demanding, and there are no quick fixes. But practicing tender accountability — holding limits with love, guiding with both warmth and firmness — gives young people the stability they need to grow into capable, resilient adults.
If this is something you’d like to explore further, I invite you to join our Parent Education Presentation on “Limits & Love” on 15 October 2025 at 19:00 CET.
Together, we’ll look at practical ways to build resilience, self-esteem, and strong values in teenagers. Register at www.naisr.nl/parenting. Speaker: Mr. Paul Staveley, Director of Wellbeing at NAISR (Masters in Psychology and Mental Health).
Together, we’ll look at practical ways to build resilience, self-esteem, and strong values in teenagers. Register at www.naisr.nl/parenting. Speaker: Mr. Paul Staveley, Director of Wellbeing at NAISR (Masters in Psychology and Mental Health).
